The Strongest Chain: First 250 words

Just a few days I ago I entered an online contest for new authors – Secret Agent run by the amazing Authoress who remains nameless.  Click the link if you’d like the particulars, but the purpose of this one is to see if your first 250 words will attract an agent.  The agent remains nameless as well and is revealed at the end along with a winner and runners-up.  My entry was randomly chosen for participation and the feedback was pretty consistent, they were all confused.  Not that the writing was bad or it was boring, just that they couldn’t tell how old my MC was and it was reading more like YA than Adult.

And yah, I didn’t win, but it was info I needed.  Especially since the agent turned out to be one that I have on my wish list of people I would love to work with.  Le sigh…  These contests have been incredibly helpful in figuring out what I’m not doing right.  They aren’t as helpful in telling what to do instead because that’s pretty subjective.  However, this time, I think I’ve got it.  I’ve changed the prologue into the first chapter and tweaked it a bit.   I’m asking all of you lovely readers to please review the newly revised start to my novel and give me some feedback.

For those of you who have been with me since this was the Davies of Coventry – bless you.  I can promise you the revised novel is better and although different, the heart is still the same.  So, without further ado –

The Strongest Chain: Chapter One

They were breaking the rules.  The Davies’ Top Rules of the Road said you do not stop at a gas station in a crappy part of town, you do not stop for gas late at night, and you do not let the tank get below a quarter to avoid breaking rules one and two.  But here they were, at the Gas and Grab in freaking Chelsea on fumes at one in the morning.  Kennedy Davies looked out the window and watched her mom finish filling up.   Meredith replaced the pump handle and then looked over to the little store attached to the station before opening the car door.

“Hey, I’m going inside to grab a pack.”

“Mom, it’s seriously late.  Can’t you just skip it?”

“No, my delightful daughter I cannot.  I abstained at the party since Eloise is allergic, but I’ve got a deadline looming and at least two hours of work to get through tonight.  That means I’m going to be ready to kill someone for a cigarette at about three.  You don’t want that to be you.”  With a smile and a wink she grabbed a twenty out of her wallet.  Kennedy watched her mother walk confidently into the station on her three-inch heels with just a pashmina thrown casually over her thin white blouse and silk skirt as if the December night wasn’t freezing.

Kennedy shook her head.  At twenty-four she was the cautious one while her forty-five year old mom was the one staying up late, tempting fate, living by her own set of rules.

***

And that’s it.  Sound off in the comments and let me know what you think.  Is it clear who the MC is?  Are you interested in reading more?  Are you left confused at all?

Thanks as always!

3 thoughts on “The Strongest Chain: First 250 words

  1. I like it! I want a little bit more characterization as to why you don’t stop in that part of town– it’ll add more suspense. Also the mom seems more pretentious than tempting her fate. Maybe change up the dialog, unless this was the original aim. Otherwise I would like to keep reading, also I would suggest adding a little more scene before you do the whole introduction to the dynamic of the two characters– it may help show the dynamic rather than tell us what the dynamic is. Hope this helped!

  2. Very intriguing! I think it’s a great start. I love your voice. The only bit that seemed off to me was the mom’s dialogue, since it didn’t seem entirely authentic. Though, of course, I’d go along with it if that’s her way of talking, which is completely possible! Some mothers really are that dramatic, and if she’s one it could make for a fun character.

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